Day 2 - Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I want to start by saying thank you for a wonderful thanksgiving even though our time was quick. Holidays always seem to be so chaotic and with all the other chaos in my life right now, I really just needed the day to be with my mama and breathe. I enjoyed our few hours alone to chat about the direction of our blog, the things we're thankful for, and the things that we're struggling with. Speaking of struggle, I know my vegetarian needs can be annoying but I really appreciate that you didn't put my stuffing inside the turkey's butt. 

Do you know what I haven't gotten used to yet, Mom? Having a significant other who always works on holidays. Well, I shouldn't say always . . . but almost always. Growing up with a father in law enforcement, you would think I'd be used to it by now and I'm not. I typically assume that Jesse is going to be working on Thanksgiving or Christmas, or whatever the occasion may be, but when they day actually comes, it feels empty. And then it puts me in a weird funk. Today, I'm still in my funk.

When I woke up this morning at your house, I knew that I would get up and get ready to go visit Dad for a couple hours before I would head back to Fargo. Dad and I had a nice chat and naturally I wished that my time home could have lasted a bit longer. As I was sitting on the couch with him, I opened my school email to see that my professor had sent me back edits of my scholarly lit review that I had been working so diligently on for the last couple of weeks. I knew that I shouldn't have opened the edits while I was visiting with Dad but I did it anyway. Well, given the mood I was in, the edits made me cry. And they weren't even that bad but ughhhhh, sometimes I just want to get it right the first time! Anyway, shortly after that I decided to hit the road thinking my drive would be therapeutic. It wasn't. 

You know how when you're in a funk about a couple of things, you find yourself stressing about every other little thing in your life and then suddenly you feel like you're totally falling apart? Yeah, so I did that in the car for about and hour before I decided to call you, even though I knew you were out and about for Black Friday. You didn't answer at first but you got right back to me. One thing that I really love about our relationship, Mom, is that the older I get the more we have in common. Like graduate school.

I called you to vent about my lit review because I knew you had been through the same things when you were in grad school. You let me mope for a few minutes while I explained why I was upset but shortly after, you gave me a bit of a reality check. You told me that you understood the edits were overwhelming but that my professors are trying to prepare me for thesis, which I begin in January. You said that from here on out, I need to expect to get a good amount of constructive criticism and to try not to take it personally. And if I'm misunderstanding the comments, that it's crucial at this point to set up meetings with my instructors. You explained that at the end of this lit review and capstone project, that I'm going to be much better equipped going into thesis, especially when I have to defend it. What I thought I needed when I called you was someone to dwell with me, but what I really needed was that reality check. I needed you to be honest and tell me that it's not going to get easier but that I will get better. After we got off the phone, you texted me and said, "keep your chin up, you got this." Although I don't always have faith in myself, you never lose faith in me. 

When I began my grad school journey, I knew that you would be the one to help get me through it. You have always walked me through the hard times and this has been no different. The countless hours I've spent on homework, the breakdowns I've had trying to balance school with working 30 hours a week, and on top of it my lack of social life. My current struggles are the same as your past struggles, and misery loves company. 

Mom, when I look at you today I see my future self. Someone who works really hard every day to make a difference for others. Someone who never wants to stop learning because there is so much to learn. Someone who sees the good in a world full of bad. When I look at you, I can see that my path is leading me in the right direction, just the way yours did. You always assure me that although I have not chose an easy route, I have chose the right route and it will be worth it in the end. You had a long road to where you are but you made it where you are meant to be. And even though our paths are not always clear, God never leads us astray. 

That being said, thank you for being there for me when I need to vent, and knowing whether you should sulk with me or tell me to toughen up. Thank you for attempting to fill my holiday voids when my better half is missing, even if you fill those voids with oreo cheesecake and hershey kiss cookies. Most of all, thank you for inspiring me to continue to push forward and never lose sight of what I believe in. You are literally the best! 

Sarah