One thing that I find really interesting is your perspective versus mine. I felt so incredibly bad yesterday as you were sharing your challenges with regards to school and the feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes I feel that exact feeling of inadequacy when you call and I struggle to be a mom while at the same time to utilize a teachable moment. I feel like I would be a whole lot more productive and responsive if I simply grabbed my phone and beat it against my head while you continued to air your frustrations. In fact, today as I was "attempting" to do a little Christmas shopping and the Mac spinning wheel of death popped up, I determined that is exactly how I feel sometimes as I am "trying" to be a mom . . . while still "trying" to get you to shift gears and see an alternative perspective altering your perspective, and yet, still "trying" not to hurt your feelings. Did I mention the "spinning wheel of death?"
When I got off the phone yesterday, I let out a deep sigh. You were crying and melting down into a total puddle. You were frustrated and uncertain of yourself. You were doubting the path that you are currently on. You were talking so fast that I could not catch up . . . so honestly, I did what I could, I listened. Finally when I spoke, I am pretty sure that I said the "wrong thing" because you started to cry harder. I tried to wrack my Parenting for Dummies repertoire, but no pages flashed into my mind. All I have is life experience and a whole lot of belief in who you are and what you can become.Life experience is HARD! The school of hard knocks is brutal. The path that you have chosen will NOT be easy, it WILL be full of challenges and times when you want to get off the ride, and as you make your way through your life's journey you will became somewhat jaded as you realize the moments of rainbows an butterflies are few and far between. BUT . . .
There are rainbows in this world and there are butterflies! Without the thunderstorms of life Rah, there would never be a rainbow. Rainbows are filled with promise and hope. You are in the midst of some of your life's thunderstorms. You are a newlywed bride trying to figure out what it means to be a wife. You are thinking things through as you want to lay a strong foundation that will weather the storms of life, love, and marriage. You are a life long learner focused on gaining an education that will prepare you for something yet unknown. I have forewarned you, that path will NOT be easy. You have chosen an educational path that will challenge boundaries, even for those of us that love and support you (no butt turkey dressing and vegetarian options), and you will feel as though you are destined to be a salmon swimming upstream for your entire life . . . be careful of the bears waiting for you to make a wrong move . . . and you will make them, because you are not living your life's journey if you don't!
Rah . . . there are the most beautiful butterflies in this crazy world that we live in. They have delicate wings that allow the to land in the most incredible places. We watch them flutter and flit about their world and we often forget their painful journey of metamorphosis to become what God intended. Sarah, it is painful to become what God intended. Look at my life if you doubt that. My journey through college was a total uphill battle for me. When I went to graduate school, I was working full-time teaching, attending sporting events for you kiddos, and was a wife. I was teaching English, and yet my papers got shredded apart time after time after time! Then I chose a thesis topic that was not what my professors wanted me to choose. I sacrificed the A for a B+ because what I did mattered . . . to me. Then I felt like the caterpillar trying to make its way out of the cocoon. I couldn't seem to find my place, and every time I thought I had a plan, God laughed at me and planted my butt somewhere else. I went to seminary, but I am not the "normal" kind of pastor as I am totally messed up and see the world differently than most. When I thought I was planted, God laughed and moved my butt again . . . do you see a trend. Hi square peg, have you met round hole? Sarah that is going to be your life. It will be filled with growing pains, BUT it will give you the most amazing blessings that you could have NEVER imagined.
My wish for you today and always is this . . . that you always know how much I love you and how incredibly proud I am that God gave me you, and how PROUD I am of you. That you always have thunderstorms in your life and that you feel like the caterpillar struggling to escape from the cocoon because that means that you are living. That you watch out for the bears because they are always waiting for you to make a wrong move. AND that you remember when you have a plan, God chuckles. You might as well laugh when God does, because the blessings that are around the corner are filled with the most beautiful of rainbows you have ever seen.
I love you most,
Mom
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