I find myself kind of at a loss for words tonight . . . I know . . . weird! The night before last, when you and I were mindlessly chatting on the phone, I was stressed about the driving conditions as the roads were awful. When my vehicle was almost pulled in the ditch for the second time, I told you that I needed to go so I could focus. What is normally an hour and 15 minute drive, took almost 2 1/2. To say that I was stressed was a vast understatement. I found myself very thankful to pull into the driveway to a place of safety.
Yesterday morning when I drove to work, there was a semi in the ditch. The hood was torn off and the trailer was somewhat twisted. I actually said a prayer for whomever was involved because I knew firsthand what a nightmare the roads were the previous evening. There was someone killed in that accident, and for all involved, life will never be the same again.
Later in the day, I saw your post about Corey Rystad. I thought of Jim, Donna, and the rest of their family as I can only imagine that not a day goes by that they do not miss their baby boy and the fingerprints he left on the lives of so many. That soldier sacrificed his own life for all of ours . . . sigh . . . as long as I live, I will never forget that day and the impact it had on a family, a community, and my baby. Lives were forever changed with the loss of that special young man.
Last night before I went to bed, I received a text from Grams. She told me that a friend of hers had lost her husband that evening. I can only imagine that life that day was much the same as any other for them. They probably went their own separate ways as they dashed off to work. They came home and ate supper together and then settled in to watch their normal television shows. Maybe they even have their own recliners where they share the normal chit chat from their days. Life was the same. Then, he took his last breath . . . life will never be the same for her ever again.
I called my mom first thing this morning. She told me more details about the loss her friend was experiencing. She cried, because better than most, Grams knows how fast life can change. We shared the losses we experienced as divorced women. I hate that word DIVORCE! It makes me feel like such a failure. We talked about things she had read in the blog, the struggles, and the challenges. We talked about the recent shootings, the lives that were forever changed as a result of someones hatred. And Rah, we both cried . . .
When I got to work, I knew that the same challenges would be there, the same obstacles, and people and students I care about. Therefore, I bucked it up, put on my big girl panties, and headed in as there is a ton to do. I had a meeting at 10:00, and as I was heading out the door, a deputy was driving up. I am not gonna lie, my heart was racing and I felt a sense of panic. I actually drove away as quickly as I could. And while I was driving, I thought to myself about where all of those I love were at that particular moment. Didn't hear from Bunky, was he home and all right? Jesse? Home and okay, I didn't know for sure. You could have been on your way to work . . . were you okay. Was the deputy there to find me . . . and I found myself in a state of sheer panic.
Do you remember on your graduation night? I will never forget it. We did not want you to go to any parties, to hang out with friends, or to be a kid. We wanted you to stay home where we knew you were safe and not drinking. That night, I slept downstairs to wait for you and Pops was up in our room. We never locked the door, especially when you kiddos were out. When I heard the knock on the door, I have never been so terrified in all of my life. Dad came down the stairs in a full run . . . and he stopped . . . and told me . . . you have to look Sheila, because I can't! He knew what the knock on the door meant as he had done it many, many times in his career. He knew that for those parents or family members, life would never, ever be the same. He knew . . . I knew, because I walked that journey on some level with him. He was on the front line, but I was on the home front. Either place was a horrible place to be. Never in my life have I been so relieved as when I saw that blond pony tail bouncing as you peaked your head in the window. Dad and I both sobbed uncontrollably with relief. You thought we were ridiculous!
I waited at Student Services and listened for the door, when nobody came through, I knew that you all were probably safe and sound, and that my worry and panic were for nothing. BUT tonight, I am praying for all of those who have lost, for those who feel as though they have failed, for those whose lives will never be the same, and for those that have to answer the knock at the door, and those that have to deliver the knock . . .
I love you most,
Mom
Dear Mom,
Was that really graduation night? I don't remember the specific day but I do remember that moment vividly. I certainly didn't mean to give you and Dad a heart attack. The door was locked and I'm a chicken. In those 30 seconds that I was locked out of the house in the pitch black, I thought of all the ways I may be murdered right outside my own home. Irrational right? The night time still freaks me out a little when I go back home, and I still sprint from my car to the front door every time. As soon as I'm inside, I feel safe again.
Loss is a hard concept to understand and in most cases, it's probably not worth trying to understand. Learning to live without those people we lose is usually the worst part of death. There's an emptiness left inside our hearts when they go away. How do we fill that void? In most cases, we don't, but life goes on.
I'm no expert on loss or death but the best way for me to deal with those things is to remember the good things about those people. When a person decides to enlist and is deployed to war, we know there's a chance that they may not come home. I understood Corey's death more than I have ever understood death before. I don't think it's fair, but that's the risk he was willing to take. When Corey went to Iraq, he knew that he was prepared to pay the ultimate sacrifice for our country if that's what was meant to happen. In the end, that was his fate, so we mourned his loss but we celebrated his life.
Dad chose to be a state trooper, Jordan has chosen to be a police officer, and Jesse has chosen to be a deputy. I think that law enforcement is a lot like war. Their lives could be gone in the blink of an eye. We would be devastated to lose any of them and we wouldn't know if we could ever move on. If we could ever fill that void in our hearts. But we would know that if they died in the line of duty, they died doing what they love. Fighting for us, their brothers and sisters in uniform, and their community. Dad knew, Jordan knows, and Jesse knows that there is a possibility that could happen. If it does, they will be as ready as they can possibly be. They do not fear it. Much like Corey, God forbid anything happens to our own men, we would always mourn their loss, but we would honor their life and we would be proud. They are our hero's and they will always be our hero's.
I don't know anything about the person killed in the semi crash, or anything about Grandma's friends husband, but I do know that they are hero's too. To their children, their spouse, their mom and dad, their co-workers. Every single person is a hero to someone in some way. Just because a person doesn't die while fighting in the line of duty, doesn't mean they are any less important. It's just, we are a little more prepared for the possibility when that's the case. And maybe that's not a terrible thing . . . to be a little more prepared. Grandma's friends husband literally took his last breath while he was at home with his wife, right? How tragically unexpected. I imagine that neither of them were prepared for his death in any way. In one single breath, his life was gone and her life changed forever. She lost her person. Her best friend, her husband, her hero.
Mom, although it's nearly impossible, loss and death are not something we should fear. We should always take precautions, drive slow when it's icy even though it takes longer, snuggle when we're at home together in case we take our last breath, and fight for what we believe in even if that means fighting until the very end. God has his timing for each and every one of us, and when it's meant to be, there's not much we can do about it. So in this time of darkness, let us celebrate one another. The people we know and the people we don't. Those who are here with us physically, and those who are with us spiritually. Through times of love and times of loss. Let us celebrate.
Rah
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